Tribute to the Area Man
by Diablo Films
Summary: My name is Goombella, and this is my recollection of my time on the biggest show on my network. Where anything can happen, and usually does. This... is my recollection of my time on Tribute to the Area Man. Rated T for some violence and foul language. Chapter 3 is up!
1. First Impressions

**All right! This is the first major story I've written for this site, so please review this. Your feedback will be greatly appreciated!**

**This story is purely fictional, so remember that while you enjoy the madcap hilarity and magic of "Tribute to the Area Man".**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this story.**

* * *

Diablo Films Entertainment. The place where the best of video games, cartoons, anime, and the like come together to make their own shows. They don't do it for the money (even though the pay's good); they do it for the glory. Most importantly, they do it to show their creative sides.

When I joined this network, who would have thought I would be a part of the most acclaimed series in Diablo Films history? Who would have thought me and my friends would come to South Park and changed the world? Who would have thought that we'd last for nearly 9 years?

And most importantly, who would have thought that I'd work with Eric Cartman all this time, and haven't choked him out? I know, because I was there.

Tribute to the Area Man. Just the name alone carries a lot of weight. It started in 2005, and we have gone through it all… literally. From divorce trials, to music video contests, to aliens, to Russian signs who want the CCCP to return. So to tell you the story of Area Man, I must take you to the beginning and go from there.

It was Christmas Day, 2004…

* * *

Whoville in the Dr. Seuss universe. Every year, almost all of the performers and staff of Diablo Films converge on this mountain town to celebrate the holiday season. But most importantly, they converge here for the Diablo Films Winter Draft. The code name for this is "World Premiere Toons".

Remember the NBA and NFL drafts? This is the same thing. Every May and December, 2 drafts are held where people pick out the newest stars from… well, just about anywhere. There have been busts (like someone's BRILLANT idea to take a _bicycle_ #1 overall in 1996), and successes (like 2001 with the GameCube and the Game Boy Advance). In 2004, the big prospects for that year were Eminem's album _Encore_, _Metroid Prime 2_…

…and my video game, _Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door_. Everyone had tapped my game as the top prospect, which had delighted me and my friends (Hee Hee! I guess people see a brilliant RPG when they see it!) I was there in Whoville alongside some of my colleagues, like Vivian and Bobbery.

The draft started with Cindy Lou Who starting the festivities. That was exciting, since Cindy Lou was a legendary figure on the network. She was one of the very first breakout stars the network had, and at the time she had the top show on DFTV with her long-time friend Kirby called _The Kirby and Cindy Show_. Afterwards, out came the President and Majority Owner of DFTV, Miss Carrie Burrell. She was a 55-year-old woman with some wear and tear on her body, but her mind was still sharp as a tack (still is!) and she knew how to lay down the hammer on an employee if she needed to. Her hair was brown with some shades of gray, and she was heavy-set to say the least. And on that cold Christmas morning in the mountain town of Whoville, Carrie stood at that podium and said:

"With the first pick in the 2004 Winter Draft, David Haskell selects: _Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door_, from Nintendo"

And I knew my life would be forever changed.

* * *

A few minutes later somewhere in the suburbs of Whoville, me and my friends met David Haskell for the first time.

David was an enthusiastic boy from Boston, who also was an old-timer in television. He started in the 1980's working on a show for NBC called _The Breaking Gang, _where alongside his female friend Karen Burton, made havoc for their bosses at the Balloon Institute near Boston. They left NBC in 1991 to join the just-starting studio Diablo Films, and the rest is history. Now here's the strange part: According to his bio, he's about 20-something, but he looks like he's 6 years old! Yep, a man trapped in a 6-year-old's body (And that's just one of the strange people I would work with on this network over the years)! He seemed like a calm person as he stood there with his wife Karen (That's right: Those 2 tied the knot! From what he told me, it was quite a moving ceremony).

The day after Christmas, me and the Breaking Gang headed to Boston to work on some skits. I'll tell you how that went later. But the day after that, I woke up and turned on the news.

And I was shocked.

"This is Roger Horton speaking. Breaking News at this hour: The Breaking Gang have traded away the rights to _Paper Mario_ to Eric Cartman for the rights to Eminem's album _Encore_. The deal was rumored to be made around 5:30 A.M…"

I didn't pay attention to the rest of the story. This was a good news/bad news situation. The good news was I wouldn't have to deal with David and Karen anymore. The bad news was simple: Eric Cartman.

Now we all know who Eric Cartman is: That fat, racist, loud, unreasonable kid that almost everyone agrees have some screws loose. He and the other members of the _South Park_ cartoon came on Diablo Films in the spring of 2003, and immediately made an impact. In the summer of that year, Eric was invited to star in the new DFTV "Adult Swim" show _Insomniac,_ which made his DFTV career shoot upwards. The following year, he starred in the DFTV version of the anime _Chance Pop Session_. For him, it was amazing. As for the girls of Resonance of 3, well, you'll have to ask them how it went. However, the summer of 04' wasn't kind to him: The second season of _Insomniac_ flopped, as well as an attempt to work with his long-time foe/love interest Wendy Testaburger with the show _The Cartman and Wendy Show_. Thanks to those 2 flops, he thought he should have gotten the #1 pick for the draft.

So when the Breaking Gang offered my video game to him, you bet he would take advantage of a second chance to get the bright new face of the network.

* * *

On December 29th, I met Eric Cartman for the first time since I got drafted (I met him before, which I'll get to later). His abrasive personality didn't get to me at first, but then he started to lay down his plan for a new show.

"Okay, try to get this through that weird head of yours. My new super-cool show will be in-your-face from beginning to end! It's called 'Tribute to the Area Man', and it'll look to appeal to every single man in the world."

"Everyone? Even sick weirdoes and criminals?"

"Whatever it takes to get an audience! Gay, straight, perverted, middle-class, rich, coin collectors, I want them ALL to watch!"

Now I'll admit that sounded pretty cool: Have a variety show that has something for everyone. But then I asked him how we were going to do it.

"I don't know, we'll make up some shit, sing something, whatever."

"Wait, wait. You don't have a plan for the show?! Cartman, is this going to be "anything goes"? I hate stuff like that."

"Anything goes… YES! That's going to be my formula to kick everyone's fucking ass!"

Oh, no! But before I can protest…

"Hey, mushroom! Got anyone else that can help?"

"Uhhhh… my game has a small Yoshi."

"Good! I'm going to spread the word! 2005 will be ours! Oh, and mushroom, don't fuck this up for me."

"DON'T CALL… me… a mushroom."

He had already left. That evening while heading back to my dorm (I was still attending UGoom at the time [GO GOOM!]) Eric sent me an E-Mail.

**To the Mushroom:**

**First show January 4****th ****in South Park. I secured a kick-ass auditorium for the premiere! It's a brick building with about 3,000 seats, and I plan to make that our permanent studio. Bring the Yoshi (and some music, if you want). And just remember, I'M THE BOSS HERE!**

**Cartman**.

Oh, this partnership is off to a GREAT start.

Little did I know that when I got my footing on the show, everything would change. The madness would soon begin.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Updates for this will come periodically, and don't forget to look at my summery guide for previews of future chapters!**


	2. The Michael Hart Show

Thanks for your feedback! Now it's time for Chapter 2 of this saga.

This is where the show begins and how it goes down with Eric and Goombella. And if it looks madcap, well, it is! So enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this story.**

_Italics- Thinking_

* * *

It was January 4, 2005. I was in South Park, Colorado (again), and I had just found the brick auditorium that Eric mentioned. It had a simple blue roof on top, and like Eric mentioned it can hold 3,000 to 4,000 people.

When I made my way to the back of the building, there was a small grass field left over from the construction of the place. Dumpsters, TV production trucks, and other important things we needed to get this show off the ground were there on the field, as well as a shipment of beer and other drinks.

I walked into the auditorium using the back entrance, and from backstage there were a good number of people there. I bet most of them wanted to see just what the hell me and Eric have planned for this new show. Speaking of which, I had finished the music video with Yoshi that Eric wanted, and it was set to U2's "Vertigo". Feeling proud of the video and the crowd assembled, I went to find Eric and soon saw him yelling at some workers that I assumed he hired cheap.

"Hey, I made it. Did you see the crowd outside?" I said.

"HA HA! You bet! They know I'm here, and they think I'm totally cool, not unlike Stan and his lame French whore friend…"

Yep, Eric was stoked for this, like I thought. And true to his words, he had NOTHING planned for tonight's show. So once again, I asked him what we were going to do.

"Uhhhhh… Prank call some people, yell at parasitic celebrities…"

Yep. This was going to be a train wreck.

Soon it was 90 seconds before we would start the show. I looked out at the crowd, and the weight of what was about to happen hit me: Here I was, a Goomba in college, who has never set foot on a TV studio ever, about to film the pilot episode of Tribute to the Area Man on Diablo Films TV. At that time, I was actually feeling better looking at Eric. He had an evil-looking grin on his face, and he looked VERY eager to start the chaos. He didn't care about what we were about to do, and to be honest, that helped me to relax.

Then I heard something play over the loudspeaker…

* * *

**Cold Open: "Naughty Bits"**

** Announcer: **The following program contains… naughty bits. In the case of you being offended by this show, feel free to say out loud…

**Strange Face:** (Gibberish for 6 seconds)

**Announcer #2:** It's the "Tribute to the Area Man" show. Let's push the button marked 'idiot' and see what comes out!

* * *

Then Eric came on the stage to a sizable ovation, and introduced himself.

"Good people, welcome to the best, most important television premiere ever! This is the new show called Tribute to the Area Man! Now first things first, please welcome my less than qualified underling…"

Oh oh. Almost time for me to appear… Wait, did he say 'underling'?! We're supposed to be co-stars!

"…a Goomba named Goombella."

I stepped out onto the stage to a good ovation. Looks like the crowd is anxious to see what me and my game can do.

"Greetings! I am Goombella, and contrary to what Eric had said, I'm his _co-star_ on this show."

"No, you're not", replied Eric. "Now folks, you've probably heard about the trade that got me this Goomba. The Nintendo game _Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door_ was the big prospect in the last DFTV draft, and I WANTED it. Well, those ding-bats known as the Breaking Gang realized that, so they traded me the game. HA HA HA! Idiots, both of them."

Then I piped in. "Well, yes I was David's former intern. But now that I'm here, I want to show everyone, including Eric, that me and my friends from the game can do good on this network".

"And the best part is, I got her for only an Eminem album and $6.20!"

Oh, that was SO like Eric.

"Now if you're wondering what this show will be about, well it will be based on just about anything. Eric and I decided to entertain you people by any means necessary, and that's what we'll do". We got a round of applause for that.

"And here's the sweetest thing I put on MY show", said Eric. "Anybody who comes on the show will be treated like a guest. In other words, if you want to bore- uh, I mean entertain the audience, fine. But I'll hold your ass accountable for…"

His speech got interrupted by the janitor walking through the stage with a mop. But he wasn't deterred. "Uhhh… Hey everyone, our first guest! The janitor!" And the janitor actually got a round of applause. Hmmm, this show could actually work.

* * *

Things were quiet for a bit after that. My musical video was mentioned (and then played) to the crowd, and then Eric tried to show off to me. 'Oh, I have superpowers, I can fly' and all that. Luckily, I knew how to shut him up.

"Look Eric, that sounds great and all, but let me show you real power." And then I pulled out a Crystal Star, one of the tools that I, Mario, and our other partners used to save the world in our game. When we got drafted to this network, I and the other partners got one Crystal Star each for safekeeping. And I figured if I'm going to be here, I might as well use this thing.

"Whoa", says Eric as he looked at it. Ah, good boy, Eric. You know a powerful thing when you see it.

"This Crystal Star, if used properly, Eric, will help this show get the guests we want! Allow me…"

Then I heard a phone ring. "Whoops, not now, dumb mushroom! It's time to hear from the fans!"

_Wait, what? You didn't tell me we we're doing a call-in portion. And stop calling me a mushroom!_ I wanted to say that out loud, but knowing Eric he wouldn't listen… or care.

Eric proceeded to take calls about the Oklahoma Sooners and other things, but when a caller mentioned David Haskell to him…

"Hmmm… Oh, I got a BIG idea. Hey, Goomba, you got that Crystal… uh, thing?"

"Duh, of course" as I showed the Star to him.

"Good! Use it to get David, so that I can mock him for his ignorance!"

_Hmmm… Not a bad idea._ So I calmly lifted the Crystal Star over my head, focused on it and wanted it to give us David, and watched it glow. And after a few seconds of glowing, it gave us… POP!

"Hey, everyone! Let's play 'Mario Kart'! Wahooo!"

…a Toad from the Mushroom Kingdom.

"The f—k?" said Eric. "Is this the David Haskell I wanted?"

_Of course it isn't, you f—king idiot! Oh forget it, just humor him._

"Hold on, I'll ask. Hey, are you the David Haskell I wanted?"

"Nuh uh. I'm a Toad!"

"He's a Toad".

"I KNOW that!" said Eric.

"Calm down. Let me try this again." So I lifted the star, really focused on it and telling it to give us David, and after a few seconds… POP!

"Hi, I'm Toad's girlfriend… Toadette."

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" Oh, Eric was not pleased. Then in came Ike Broflovski, the little brother of his not-so-friend Kyle. And now Eric was very not pleased.

"Oh, great. This can't get any f—king worse! What do you WANT?!"

Ike responded with "I heard about BOOM BOOM show and I want some football player. Mike…"

This calmed and intrigued Eric. "Wait, you can get somebody worth a shit over here?"

I was thinking _Hmmm that could work._ So I gave Ike the Star and said "OK, you cutie. Let's see you get the football player with this. This is a Crystal Star, and it can grant any wish."

Eric interrupted "Like a kick-ass bulldozer, and an unlimited supply of Cheese Poofs, and…"

"Any wish within reason, Eric." That shut Eric up. Ike then concentrated on the Star and… POP!

"YAY. Mr. Michael Hart!" Ike was excited…

…but Eric wasn't. "What is WRONG with everybody today?" Sounds like he wanted Michael Vick instead of Michael Hart.

Michael then spoke. "Man, Eric, you've been acting crazy tonight." Guess he was watching our show.

"Don't play with me, smartass."

I then stepped in. "Michael Hart, welcome to the show. I'm Goombella, and…"

"Really? Say Goombella, why did you teleport me here in the middle of January?" said Michael.

"Well, you see, me and Eric are starting this show called Tribute to the Area Man, and we were lookin..."

"It's the middle of f—king winter semester! I was studying!"

"Whoa whoa, calm down. We just wanted…"

"How else am I going to fill my time? Football's over, and the friggin newcomers won't be here until April!"

Sheesh. Michael was pissed, which no doubt was entertaining to Eric. But I had to calm Michael down.

"I know that. But listen, we want to talk to you about your first year at Michigan, the history you have on DFTV, and about the Rose Bowl you played in". Now the history part was true about Michael. Diablo Films has a sister station in Central New York, and while Michael was playing football in high school he tormented that station with his skills for 3 years. So our CNY station was proud when he went to Michigan to play ball.

But my explanation didn't faze Michael. "Well, I'll just go walk on by to the free GUEST STAR store! You think I've got the money to do that?" Then a plastic white star just popped out of nowhere right on the stage.

"No no no! He said GUEST star, you mangy munchkin." said Eric. Looks like Ike was trying to appease Mike by getting him another guest star. As Ike kept trying…

"Shoot. Sorry, sorry. They just broke my concentration, and it pisses me off." Good, Michael had calmed down, and so has Eric.

"'Sigh' Well, he'll work… for now. But no telling what I'm gonna want later." With everyone now calm, we started the interview with Mike. Other than a phone call interrupting us, things went smoothly. Until…

"Hey, guys". It was the janitor. "Someone named Karen wants in here. Should we let her?

Eric's response was, "WHAT?! Oh, tell her to go back to the snow f—king somber pits she sleeps naked in!" All right, Eric! I don't want to deal with her. However, that didn't stop her husband David from entering... with a bazooka.

"Hello there, folks." David got a round of boos from the audience, but he didn't care. But Michael certainly cared.

"Oh, you again? Listen man, the Longhorns won that game fairly, and neither me nor my teammates are going to kick the bucket just because you said so."

David responded "Your team lost by 1 POINT! I know you're so heartbroken you want to end it all, so hurry up and do it!"

Okay, let me stop the story for a few minutes. Time to get you guys up to speed on what's going on here.

* * *

I already mentioned how the Breaking Gang came onto the network. But what I didn't mentioned was that from 1996-2002, they were not here. Nobody knows where they went, but we do know they weren't making trouble. Then in January 2003, they came back. Karen got a new show entitled "The Karen and Emily Show", and things seemed okay. Until June 2003.

That was when the race horse Funny Cide was gunning for the Triple Crown (winning the Kentucky, Preakness, and Belmont Stakes all in one year). But sadly, he finished 3rd behind War Emblem and Ten Most Wanted, denying us a Triple Crown winner. None of the actors on Diablo Films were affected by it too much, except for 2 people. The next morning, the actors opened up the weekly newsletter only to find this monstrosity:

SIGN THIS IMPORTANT DOCUMENT-THINGY NOW!

We, the undersigned, officially order Funny Cide as of the end of this sentence to go to his stable and put a bullet through his head, or inject himself with really, really harmful chemicals, or hang himself, or die on the cross, or visit a suicide doctor, or whatever. This sentence we're typing right now. Period. Furthermore, whenever Funny Cide visits the White House, the Secret Service is ordered by Presidential decree to shoot him dead. This same matter applies to every other government in the known universe. All of Funny Cide's fans must also hang themselves.

Signed, David Haskell and Karen Burton-Haskell

Oh, you could just imagine the outcry that occurred from the public when this came out. The governments that got the memo properly dismissed the decree, and the Breaking Gang got rightly destroyed by the critics, who were calling for their firing. But here's the REALLY bad part: Not only did the Breaking Gang escape getting fired, some of the network executives actually joined their committee!

Those executives who joined that Funny Cide thing regretted it 3 months later. During the U.S Open tennis tournament, Jennifer Capriati lost in the semifinals. The next day, the Breaking Gang was in Flushing holding signs demanding that Jennifer kill herself! And even worse, THAT wasn't enough to get them terminated either! This outrage continued throughout 2004, as those execs and the Breaking Gang tried to go after other sports teams that lost close/important games. And no matter how hard Carrie Burrell or DFTV Vice-President Larry Hayes or the other DFTV actors tried, those execs just would not let the Breaking Gang leave. When my game got drafted by David, I thought that we could be the ones to make David and Karen stop those STUPID committees. But then Karen traded my game away to Eric, and that was the end of that.

It turns out that without me or my partners there, David and Karen continued to annoy everybody with their antics. New Year's Day 2005 was especially bad, as we got a lot of great college football bowl games… and those 2 went after almost all of the losers of those games.

* * *

This brings me back to South Park, and the Area Man set. David was after Michigan, and Michael was standing his ground. But then the Crystal Star glowed and… POP! At least 40 members of the Oklahoma football team (who David was also after) had just arrived, and they want David.

But he wasn't intimated. "AHA! More losers, eh? I'm not scared of people who don't have what it takes". But then the Star glowed again and… POP! Members of the LSU football team were also in our studio, and THEY wanted David too. Basically, he was now outnumbered 78-1. "Uhhh, heh heh heh…" he said nervously. Good, he'll stop now.

And that belief of mine got stronger when his wife Karen came in, since she was not happy with this.

"Hold on, hold on. DAVID HASKELL! I told you to cut this out!"

"But Karen, you said that we should…"

But then one of the LSU players piped up: "Guys, you know damn well you can't do anything to us. You're just tiny people, like those dumb Sooners over there."

"What you said, punk? You know if we were on the field, we'd smoke you", said one of the Oklahoma players. Well, a push came from the LSU players, and they started fighting on our stage. Michael bailed, and so did David dropping his bazooka, leaving Karen to pick it up.

"HEY! Karen, give that back!"

"David, I'm doing this for your own good." said Karen. The audience had backed up a bit, but was enjoying the chaos. On the right side of the stage, Eric was hiding with Michael.

"Jesus! Are all college steroid-heads like you always like this?" said Eric.

"Are you nuts? Hell no. But I must admit this has been a crazy good thing you're start- OH GOD!" Michael didn't get to finish as a bazooka shell got him in the back. After that, the fight really got crazy. I admit I was pretty scared at this point as I looked around for David and Karen. Wait, did I just see Karen with the bazooka… that looked like it had just gone off?

"Eric? Mommy's here to help… WHAT THE HELL?!"

Oh great. Liane Cartman had arrived, and she wasn't happy neither. "Didn't I tell you to call me if you were in danger?"

* * *

8 hours later, the Area Man set was empty. The football players have all left… all except Michael. He was actually with Liane, as she had told me she would heal the wounds he sustained thanks to the bazooka. I didn't get a chance to see any of his injuries, so I trusted her hoping she knew what she was doing. Turns out that after she treated the burns, she had given him some 'sexual healing'… whatever THAT meant. We rejoin the story in Liane's room, as Michael is still recovering.

"Huff… Huff… Thank… thank you for treating me. And when I can walk… I'm gonna beat the s—t out of those 2 monsters!"

Liane wasn't fazed. "Listen, listen, I'm so sorry. Eric and his little friend just got carried away with the Breaking Gang and…"

"Oh, they got a LOT carried away. You know that committee sign David keeps bringing on his trips? Oh, he'll get one… far up the $$."

At that point, I entered the room. "Michael? Oh good, Eric told me you were here. I'm sorry for what happened."

"No, no, relax. Wasn't your fault those Breaking Gang bastards are TOO STUBBORN to learn sportsmanship?" Jeez, Michael was pissed, and I didn't blame him. Then Eric arrived.

"Hey, you done here? I…" But Michael didn't let him finish. "Oh, you… you're the fatso Eric who says he knows everything. Well, answer this for me. If I go down, who'll start as running back at my school next season?"

"Running back? Wait, are you saying…"

"You guys have NO idea how college football works, do you? Don't even have a clue… Why is it getting cold in here?" Uh oh. Michael was going into shock. Then someone came in… David!

"Hey guys, I want to apologize for airing my business to… Oh my god!"

"Hey kid", said Michael to David. "You better apologize to ME for what your wife did to me!"

I tried to calm him down. "Michael, listen. We'll do anything it takes to assist you in your recovery. Right, Eric?"

"That depends. You're coming back to my show, right?" _UGH! Eric, can't you think of something else than your show?_ Michael responded, "Whoa whoa Eric, you're fine, you're fine. It's David I want an apology from."

"For what? My wife didn't do anything."

"Bulls—t, I saw her with that thing you dropped and I KNOW she shot it at me. Now what are you gonna do to fix this?" said Michael.

"Oh, well gee… uh… Karen, can you come in here please?"

"Yeah! Take a good look at what you did to me!"

A few seconds later, Karen walked in. "All right, what's with the… Oh dear."

"Oh dear?! That's all you have for me? After blasting me for no reason?"

"Okay, okay. Look, I'm sorry for this" said Karen. But Michael didn't buy it. "That's not cutting it. You have to help me get back on the field!"

Karen looked like she was panicking. "Okay… let's see. This guy's… a robber trying to break in." Karen then went nuts breaking stuff in Liane's room. "He got caught up in a big house fire. Bad wiring!"

"Karen, have you gone nuts?" said David, looking as panicked as Karen. I couldn't take it anymore.

"STOP! I don't like the way you 2 are acting. And I don't like the way you're ignoring the fact I worked with you. Look, I'm gonna give you the Crystal Star, and Karen, can you at least do something to help Michael?" Karen responded "Sure. David, take the star and YOU do something."

David took the star and closed his eyes. "Okay… Just let me concentrate…" But before David can say something, a group of men I didn't recognize came in asking for Liane. "Hey you guys. Is a Liane Cartman here? We…"

"David!" shouted Karen. "It's the losing U.S junior hockey team. GET THEM!" But the team wasn't fazed and knocked both David and Karen out. Wait, is one of them hitting Michael too? And while all this was going on, Eric just stood there with a smirk on his face.

* * *

Before I knew it, Eric and I were back on the Area Man stage ready to close the episode. Eric started his closing remarks: "Good men, you have just seen the start of something big. Yes, it was strange and confusing, and I blame the mushroom next to me. But you folks will leave here with an entertaining story and characters you will remember. Whatever it takes over the next few months, this thing I created will destroy everything in its path and change the network forever!" Afterwards, fireworks went off, and I heard a man in the front saying "Ooo, pretty lights."

I then heard the closing theme, meaning this craziness was over at least for now. With all that happened, I had no doubt me and Eric would continue. But soon Eric would learn that he needs my help in order to make this work.

And as for Michael Hart… 7 months later, we found ourselves at Michigan with Michael on the football team. I must say, it was at the last minute, but I did a great job with his prosthetic legs that were lost in the bazooka.

"All right, Michael! You're looking good." I said to him.

"The medical staff finished your work at the last minute."

"You may be able to run with the football by yourself next season!"

David Haskell was on the field with my Crystal Star. That's right; I'm making sure he fixes this mess. And Eric was on the practice field… as Michael's replacement.

"Uh, Coach David? You said I can take a break if I break 150 yards rushing. Am I close yet?" said the exhausted Eric.

David responded "Listen, you fat tub of lard. You and Michael are sharing the carries for the Vanderbilt opener, then we do Central Michigan, and then your sorry ass can do the Notre Dame game by yourself!"

"F—k you!"

"Cry me a river, fatass!"

* * *

**Thanks for reading this. Any feedback will be appreciated and considered! Remember, this is just the beginning.**


	3. Everybody's All American

**Welcome back, everyone! Now that I got the hang of writing fanfiction, I promise to make this series faster-paced. This is Chapter 3, where the first major story of "Area Man" will be told. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this story**

* * *

I'm back in my dorm watching the finished pilot episode of "Area Man" me and Eric did. And I was surprised at how professional it looked, despite the fact that everything that can go crazy on a TV show did happen that night. And as for David and Karen, I was worried about what they'll do next, mainly because I forgot to tell you guys something very important last time: David and Karen are DFTV executives.

As for Eric, I haven't heard from him since which was probably for the best. If he continues to berate and ignore me, this show won't last long.

Then on January 16 on Diablo Films' version of "Pelly and Peak", something REALLY big happened. The day before, the N.Y Jets lost an emotional playoff game to the Steelers. Pelly and Peak came out, told people to buy their latest treasury of comics, and then tried to start the show… only to be interrupted by David and Karen talking about the Jets loss. Yes, they were STILL on that STUPID committee trip! David then tried to stop the committee and said to Karen "Am I on time?" But what Karen said shocked everyone.

"Actually David, you ARE on time. On time to be… DIVORCED!" Wait, just like that, their marriage is over?!

Then I went to do research on David and Karen's marriage. Turns out that things have been going south since last June, when they tried to go after Smarty Jones after HE lost the Triple Crown. As I looked through what they did on "Pelly and Peak" during the 7 months since Smarty Jones lost, I got more disguised. These are the people I was supposed to work with when David drafted me? These 2 are part of the DFTV brain trust that runs this place?

Things got worst later that night as I read the news online. It looks like the divorce was as bitter as Karen made it out to be, and those 2 are going to try to grab every cent they can. And I started to panic: What if this divorce creeps over onto the network shows? And what if they use that executive power they have? DFTV could come apart at the seams. Somehow, I HAD to calm them down and bring them back together, if only for the sake of the network.

But what about those committees? Could it be better if they stayed apart, les those stupid things come back? No, David and Karen would do that shit individually. So that meant the mission was clear: Reunite the Breaking Gang, then turn over that committee BS to the rest of the DFTV execs and let THEM deal with it. But how to do it?

The next day an idea came to me, from a very unusual source…

* * *

Later that day after grabbing supplies, I went to Eric's house and found… nothing. His mom Liane pointed me to the Area Man set, which surprised me. _Hmmm, he's actually taking this show seriously_…

At the set, I found him in the production truck. "Hey, Eric. Did you see the stuff about the Breaking Gang?"

"Yeah, yeah. Isn't it great? Now that they're divorced, I don't have to deal with their shit anymore!" Yep, he was in a good mood. But I popped that quickly.

"But Eric, they're network executives. You don't have to deal with them, right?"

"Hell yeah!"

"So this could mean you don't get paid."

I looked at Eric's shocked face. Good. I got to him. Now we wait for the explosion in 3…2…1…

"WHAT?! I WANT MY F-ING MONEY! What are we gonna do?"

"Calm down, Eric. What we're doing is getting them back together. And I think I found an unorthodox way to do it". I then pulled out a video tape and put it in the tape machine. On it was an episode of _ESPN25,_ and it was a countdown of the worst teams of the past 25 years. I fast-forwarded to the 1980 New Orleans Saints and stopped the tape right before that piece started.

"Now pay attention" I said. "Some sports fans put paper bags over their heads to express their hatred of a bad team. Have you seen that personally?"

"On my school football team. Why?"

"Well, that originated right here." I played the Saints segment to Eric, and my idea can be summarized in a quote somebody said in that segment: "The fans wore the bags until the Saints won a game". And after 8 weeks, the Saints did win a game! So if that worked for sports fans, why not for stupid divorces? Yeah, it sounds silly, but it could be silly enough to work! Eric gave me his blessing (after I promised him he would get paid after we did this) and we were on our way. By our next episode filming the next day, we were ready.

* * *

**SpaceCatz: "New Space Station"**

On a space station hovering over the Russian capital of Moscow, two road signs prepare to launch their plan to revive the Russian Communist Party (otherwise known as the C.C.C.P). Their names are… Nbot and Bckope.

**Nbot: **Dah, this will be amazingly cool it will give everyone in our country goosebumps. This will awaken Soviet pride and start our new C.C.C.P!

**Bckope:** And uh, how, how will this station do it?

**Nbot: **No pitiful questions! We'll circumnavigate da world, and make everyone see how awesomely cool this is.

**Bckope:** Huh. That actually sounds bad-ass. Okay, starting up flight engines!

**Nbot:** GO!

And soon, the station zooms off! It soon zooms over Hawaii, and then over the U.S, but then…

**Nbot:** Oh, no no no, HELL NO! That American didn't just flip us off down below!

**Bckope:** Uh, which one? I can't see where.

Down on the ground below, we see who flipped them off… Liane Cartman!

**Eric: **You sure they saw that?

**Liane:** Trust me, poosie. They did.

Meanwhile on the station…

**Nbot:** Bckope, stop the station so that we may take our revenge!

**Bckope:** Uh, we're still beta testing the brakes on this station…

**Nbot:** DO IT!

And soon, the station does stop… launching Nbot and Bckope out into the ocean.

* * *

The titles for the show then rolled, and afterwards I came in all dancing and happy… only to find out I'm not facing the audience! I righted myself and began the show.

"Hello, and welcome to Tribute to the Area Man! Now I know that some of the network executives have birthdays coming up, so in harmony…"

**_Hello, hello_**

**_Hello, hello, hello!_**

**_Hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello_**

**_And a Happy Birthday!_**

"Now, on to business. By now you probably know…" And then Eric walks in with a paper bag (with eyeholes) over his head. The crowd didn't know what to make of it at first. But then I piped up. "Okay folks, relax. There's a reason why Eric is wearing a paper bag. By now you know about the Breaking Gang's divorce, and we have the "Pelly and Peak" clip where it happened." After the clip was played, Eric spoke up.

"Now the reason for the paper bag is because I'm not standing by and letting those 2 f-king cheapskates rip me off! Especially that tiny bitch Karen."

"Glad to hear you're with me on this, Eric, but why are you only blaming Karen? And it's not just you and me that are feeling the divorce; if we don't stop it then DFTV will suffer."

"Well, it's simple. Because this committee thing is B.S and it's all her f—king fault! I just know it is."

"Great to hear that from you!" Oh great, it's David Haskell. But he actually looks happy. "Look guys, anything that you guys can do to calm down Karen and bring her back to me would be appreciated." So he actually wants the divorce to stop, too. That was great news to me, but I had to set him straight before we would help him.

"All right David, we're happy to help. But YOU must do your end of the deal! You must promise me and Eric that you're gonna get the therapy you need so that you won't freak out about sports teams like you've done recently."

"Damn straight, because I WANT MY F—KING PAYCHECK!" Yep, Eric was ready for war. So then he bought out a lot of paper bags and said "Now here's how we're getting the point across to that liar Karen. I want you people to take a bag home, wear it over your head in public, and keep doing it until the Breaking Gang remarries."

I heard a few people in the audience say "That's ridiculous", or "How will this work again?" but most of the crowd actually took a bag. Looks like that segment did the trick. And now that our plan was set in motion, we could focus on tonight's episode.

* * *

Things went by rather quickly after that. First, Eric read some fan mail… which turned out to be a Publisher's Clearing House flyer giving away $20,000,000. So of course Eric thought he won the money, but then said his friend Kenny McCormick wouldn't get any of it. Good thing I stopped dead on his tracks. Then more phone calls were taken from fans, who asked about our new paper bag committee… and the Pokémon Jigglypuff.

Then it was time to intro a guest, but who Eric got for the show threw me a bit. Two people who I didn't know named Theo and Melissa came out to applause, but when I asked Eric what they were famous for, he said "For overbidding on a showcase on _The Price is Right_. For some reason, our idiot executives are making a big deal about it." _Ooooooooookayyyyyyyy…_

After Theo and Melissa were interviewed, more calls were taken. And one of them stood out to me: One caller asked me what my favorite snack was, but Eric interrupted. "Mine's Cheesy Poofs, but I guess you people already know that."

"Eric, the question was for _me_. And I have to say my favorite…"

"Hey, you wanna know what my 2nd favorite snack is?"

"Fine. What?" Eric then dug out a box of…

"Dog biscuits!" And then he proceeded to eat one of them! EWWW!

Another call stood out: Someone asked me about the war in Iraq and its aftermath, and I gave a spirited opinion on it including the wisdom of starting it, the lack of help to rebuild it, and why all the soldiers in Iraq haven't come home yet. But of course Eric had to ruin it with this: "Let me translate what the dumb Goomba has said for the people watching this on TV: 'This war is stupid…DUH'." "I am highly offended", said someone in the audience afterwards. And when things couldn't get any worse for me, the janitor came on stage.

"Hey guys, someone's here for you." I calmly asked "Who, Karen Burton?"

And he said "No, some of your network suits". Oh great, the Diablo Films executives! NOW things can't get any worse for me. But wait! Eric went backstage to see what they wanted. Turns out they were concerned about Eric's views on the Breaking Gang and the war.

Eric's response was "You know what, you're right. I shouldn't yell out bad opinions. In fact, I made something that will convey my views perfectly."

"Which is…?"

"Just watch. Roll the video in the truck!"

* * *

**20 minutes later…**

We were back in Eric's house, and I was not happy. "I just can't believe you, you f—king fat $$! The network's shut us down, and the episode is 'cancelled'! How could you be so f—ing STUPID?!"

"Hey hey hey… wasn't my fault they didn't understand it. Plus, I ain't worried, so will you chill the f—k out?"

"Look, I like the fact you're against the war, but playing a music video showing you hitting a congressman?! With the butt of a rifle?!"

"Come on! That stuff was awesome!"

"Eric, I'm just telling you that you can show your distaste by other means."

"Like what?"

"Hmmmm… An Eskimo?'

"Uhhh, what?"

Oops. "Sorry, I've just always wanted to meet an Eskimo for some reason. Call it a little dream of mine."

"HA HA HA HA! Your aspirations are pathetic!"

"All right Eric, what's YOUR little dream?"

"Hmmmm…"

* * *

**Inside Eric's mind**

"Ham! Sweet… sweet ham! Ham…."

* * *

"Uhhh, Eric? Eric?"

"I enjoy ham."

"Sigh… never mind. Isn't there a way to show our distaste…? Wait, I got an idea."

"Oh, crap."

"No, no, it's a good one. Let's just go to the tallest building in Denver and put up a sign right at the top."

"Hmmm… Like what?"

"I don't know… 'Screw the President' or something."

* * *

**And now for 10 seconds of sex. **

**…..**

**Okay, you can stop now.**

* * *

An hour later, we were in nearby Denver on our way to its tallest building, the Republic Plaza. On our way, we got a pleasant surprise on the streets: About 85 people are wearing paper bags over their heads. Our committee was starting to take hold!

When me and Eric entered the Plaza, I laid down the plan. "Okay, here's what we'll do. We'll climb up the stairs all the way to the top. There we'll hang the sign outside of…"

"Whoa whoa, pause. WALK up the stairs?! Why am I following YOUR stupid- $$ plan?! Can't we just use the g—damn elevator?"

"Eric, there'll be no sense of occasion doing that. We're doing something big, so we have to make it memorable. Plus, you need the exercise."

"AY! I'M NOT GOING UP ANY…" Too late Eric, I already have the sign and going up the stairs. On the 3rd floor I looked at the sign we would be hanging, giving Eric a chance to catch up.

"Hey Eric. Why does it say 'Screw the Prez'? Ran out of space?"

"Huff… puff… huff… Kinda."

It was then that I noticed the size of Eric's backpack that he was carrying. "Say Eric, how much stuff did you bring for the trek? We're only going up a building, not studying in Europe."

"Well, my simple-rooted non-friend, this is because I want to be ready for anything life throws at me."

"And how heavy IS that pack? Let me see." I opened up one pocket of Eric's pack and… "Weights? Eric, why the hell did you bring weights?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I don't know."

Unbelievable! "Well Eric, maybe THIS is why you've been slow climbing the stairs. Let's just leave the weights and come get them when we're done."

Eric agreed, and our climb began. But I soon had another problem to deal with.

"Goombella, are we there yet?"

"No, we're only on the 9th floor"

* * *

**14****th**** floor **

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

* * *

**18****th**** floor **

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

* * *

**26****th**** floor**

"Are we there yet?"

"No! Now stop asking me!"

* * *

**27****th**** floor**

"Are we there yet?

"NO!"

* * *

**42th floor**

By this time, both of us were tired, but at least Eric had stopped bugging me.

"Goombellllllllaaaaa… I wanna stoopppppp!"

"Alright. I need a rest too." So we sat down on one of the stairs to catch our breaths. "Hey Eric, you got any food in there? Oh wait, of COURSE you have food in there. What kind…" But Eric was ignoring me, as he was eating his Cheesy Poofs. "Okay, but what other foods do you have in there?"

"Dog biscuits!" And then he went on to eat one of them!

"EWW! No no, I meant NORMAL food! Stuff that I can eat!"

"Fine. Will this work?" he said as he dug out a bowl of fruit.

"Yeah, that's much better." I took a tangerine, but before I can take a bite of it, Eric then dug out a blender. "Wait, is that a blender?"

"Yep. Now where's an outlet?"

"Why do you need that?

"So I can juice the fruits." Oh brother.

* * *

**48th floor **

We were getting close to the top, but Eric stopped when he passed one of the offices on this floor. "Eric, what's up?"

"Heh, heh. Look at those losers working on a Saturday. Wait, are they watching TV?" Before I could react, Eric ran inside the office to be with the workers.

"Eric! We still… Ugh!" I had to go in too. I then found Eric and the others watching ACC basketball. "Hi, listen, sorry for inter…"

"SHHH! Duke's inbounding the ball, and they're down by 1 to my Cavs" said one of the workers. Looks like he's from the south region, namely Virginia. As for Eric, he was still eating his Poofs.

"Hey. Sit down and relax."

"Fine", I said and sat down. "We'll stay and see the finish to the game, but then we have to go."

"Mph. Mind finishing off the dog biscuits?"

"NO! Don't even bring those filthy things NEAR me!"

"Hey, will you guys… What? NO!" Turns out that Virginia fan missed his team's defensive stand to win the game, thanks to my outburst. Needless to say, me and Eric got out of there fast.

* * *

**? Floor **

My legs were now on fire, and the sign was now a big burden. I was completely spent, never mind what Eric was going through.

"Goombella? I… huff… can't make it. Huff…I've got nothing left." And then he started crying. "Leave me here to die!"

It was then I noticed something. "Eric, look!"

"No no no no, it's too late for… for me. Everything's… turning black…"

"Eric, we're at the top! Only 3 steps until the door leading to the roof!"

"Really… Ughhh… try… trying to stand… up…"

After 2 minutes of Eric's theatrics, we FINALLY were on the roof. Oh, I was so proud! "Yes! We made it all the way! Now we can show the world our message about the war and… Eric?"

"Goombellllllllllaaaaa… I don't wanna be up this highhhhhhhh."

"Oh, calm down. You're fine. Now how are we going to hang the sign?" Then I saw one of those aerial work platforms that window washers use. We gently lowered Eric's backpack, Eric, the sign, and finally me onto the platform. Finally, it was time to get to work.

"Alright. Now hold the sign straight, Eric." We had decided to attach the sign to the window with tape, and soon the first part of the sign was up. Now if any of you at home are thinking about doing this somewhere, my advice to you is DON'T DO IT! I wasn't showing it to Eric, but I was terrified! I could see how high up we truly were from the ground, and it's not a pleasant feeling. And to make things worse...

"Darn it! Eric, give me a boost so I can attach the last part of the sign." Yep, I had to rely on Eric to help me finish the job. I was almost finished when I felt a tug at my… "Wha, AHHH!" Next thing I know, I landed on the platform right on my head, while Eric was on his rear.

Oh, I need to tell you this for later: At the same time we were doing this, Carrie Burrell and one of her producers on the network were in Denver (somehow) making their own sign.

"Good. We're ready to hang up our SASS sign outside."

"But Ms. Burrell, what does SASS mean again?"

"It couldn't be simpler, Darrell. SASS means…"

But before Carrie can finish, a gust of wind came along and ripped one of the 'S's off of the sign.

Now let's go back to me and Eric. "What the hell did you just do?" I shouted.

"I don't know…"

I started thinking the worse. "Wait, were you trying to look down my pants?!"

"Nooooooo…"

But before I could unleash my wrath, I noticed Eric was sitting on something… the controls for our platform! "You evil… AHHHHH! You blithering idiot, look what you did! Now we can't go back up! We're stuck 700 feet in the air in the cold and it's all your fault!"

"My, my fault?! You lost your balance while I…" And at that moment, that S that I mentioned somehow attached itself to our sign! Now it reads…

"Oh, great! Now everyone's gonna think we're saying 'Screw the Prezs'!" I was fighting back tears now, and what was Eric doing? Fighting back giggles! "Oh, how can this day get any worse?"

And at that point, I saw snow beginning to fall. Then Eric said "Oh, NOW I remember. Mom said that a snowstorm was coming through today."

Oh, now I REALLY lost it. "What?! Well, why didn't you tell me this BEFORE we left? Then we wouldn't be STUCK here in the COLD and the SNOW in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?!"

"Dude, what's the f—k's your problem? Someone's gonna notice us and rescue us, so shut up!" Exhausted, I sat down in defeat to wait for help.

* * *

**30 minutes later **

Help haven't arrived yet, and now the snow had been replaced with freezing rain. Both me and Eric were miserable, and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Eric… I d-d-d-on't see an-n-n-n-n-body noticing us up here."

"J-j-j-just a matter of time."

"UGH! You've been saying that forever! It's all your fault we're stuck here! The broken controls, your stupid backpack… I mean look at this s—t you packed! A tree sapling… a bowling pin… a cell phone…" Wait, what? Yes! We're saved! "Eric, what's with the phone?"

"My cell phone, dummy."

"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me this before the storm started?"

"Mom told me to use it only in an emergency."

"Well Eric, would you mind awfully if we use it RIGHT NOW?! What's your home number?"

A few seconds later at Eric's house, the home phone went off and Liane got it (thank god she was home!). "Hello?"

"M-mom? It's Eric. We're still at the Republic Plaza doing our stunt."

"Oh, that's nice. When are you coming home, sweetie? The weather's getting bad outside."

"HELP! We're stuck up here!" I shouted. "We tried to hang the sign, but Eric fouled it up, and now we're hanging outside on a platform underneath a sign saying 'Screw the Prezs', and…"

"AY! I'm the one on the phone."

"What?!" Good, Liane heard me. "Poosie, hold on, Mommy's getting help right now!"

And 10 minutes later, joy of joys, we saw a rescue chopper coming to help us. The ladder was soon being lowered, and we were saved. Well, we would have been saved if Eric's girth didn't snap the platform. And then… we were falling toward a… plot hole?!

"We're saved. Pelly and Peak do this s—t all the time!" Soon enough, we fell into the hole and came out of the sky… right into Karen Burton's private jet!

"AHHHH! How the f—k did you bastards get here?" But before we can answer, the floor gave way and me and Eric were falling again. Where did we end up landing? In the middle of the Rocky Mountains.

* * *

Now don't worry, folks. Since we're animated, we didn't die. In fact Eric was on his feet the next day to do another Area Man show. Sadly for me, I wasn't that lucky: My body didn't take kindly to the cold and the impact of landing in the mountains, and my left leg was now broken, meaning I was in a wheelchair for the show. The fans were shown our escapade at the Republic Plaza, to great applause. And of COURSE, Eric claimed credit for us surviving.

At the end, though, things got better. "Folks, we think you for coming out to see… Wait a minute. Hey, over here!"

"Eh? What the f—k's your problem now?" said Eric.

"I see an Eskimo!" Sure enough, an Eskimo was in attendance and he came on stage. "Hello there."

"Miss Goombella, thank you for putting on this great show. And my people want to show our support for the committee you are doing."

"Aww, thank you. Would you mind helping me?" I said as I pointed him to my chair. But then, I heard another voice, one that the audience realized quickly.

"People of this country, it's a shame to me that this little anarchic show has more diversity than most network shows." It was Bill O' Reilly, here on our stage! "Mr. Eric, you know me."

"Oh, how can I forget?"

"Well Mr. Eric, I was on my way to a book signing in Boulder, and I couldn't help but notice the sign you put on that building saying 'Screw the Press'. Now care to tell me what you got against me?"

At that point, I did the best thing I could've done in that spot: I had the Eskimo push me home! "Bye Eric, enjoy your talk!"

"AY! Come back! You, you can't leave me here with this blowhard. Goombella! Uhhhh… Aw, here it goes!"

And with that, another show ended. Once I returned to my dorm, my roommate hugged me, congratulated me on the show and my bravery, and made dinner (god bless her heart!). Later, I watched the show on TV and then limped to my bed. While I was lying in bed, something clicked in my head: Me and Eric can't keep doing this show on our own. One of these days, something bad will happen and we won't be as lucky as we were that day in Denver. And if we were going to get the Breaking Gang back together, more assents would be needed. Yep, it was clear as day to me.

We need more cast members.

* * *

**Whew. I'm finally done! And again, if this fanfiction looks madcap and crazy, it's supposed to be this way.**

**In the next chapter, a new cast member will be introduced. Please read and review!**


	4. Trial of the Interlopers

**Good people, I have returned! In this chapter a new character from the Mario franchise will be added to Area Man. Please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters used in this fanfiction in any way.**

**Warning: There will be some sexual language used in this chapter.**

* * *

During the next week, I ran through a list of possible new cast members. Most of them were from my adventures in Rougeport, and soon I had a presentation to present to the network. After I presented it, the executives that were there said this: "Sounds reasonable enough. What criteria will you be using to make your decision?" Well, I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but my response was this:

"How about I let you decide?"

An hour after I left the Diablo Films main building, I got a text from Eric.

**Got a show lined up for Saturday. Got any cool s—t lined up for it?**

And I responded: **Eric, I do have something for the show: We're getting a new cast member! The execs will help us, so don't worry.**

That help will soon become a MAJOR problem as far as decency is concerned, because on that Saturday…

* * *

**Cold Open: "The Eric Cartman 'Am I Too Sloshed To Take It' Test"**

Eric pops up on the screen and begins speaking. "Hello. Because the Super Bowl is tomorrow, here at Diablo Films Television, we know you've been boozing away all day, and are therefore scuttled out of your beans!"

HIC!

"So, here is the Eric Cartman 'Am I Too Sloshed To Take It' Test. How many fingers am I holding up?"

…

"Wrong! You failed, and therefore you must change the channel _immediately_!"

We then see a lady turning off the TV, and then screaming.

* * *

To the cheers of the crowd (Yes! We're getting some momentum!), me and Eric then came out with bags on our heads.

"Greetings everyone! Welcome to the show and tonight we will set you up for the big game tomorrow." After I said that, Eric gets a call from Resonance of 3 member Nozomi Kaibara, who was all worried about Eric's plan for a future show. The plan was to bring the losers of the Super Bowl onto our show, presumably to peeve off Karen Haskell (or maybe David). Then, I had Eric deliver the news.

"Attention, all you little people. I, the awesome Eric Cartman, am interrupting the show to announce that I'm now seeking an intern to do my bidding. Tonight my show will hold auditions for the almighty Area Man show, and the winner gets to bask in my spotlight as I work him or her like a dog!" Okay, that was a bad idea. But that was nothing compared to what happened next as I followed up Eric.

"Simply put, we're going to have a new cast member by the end of the night. And it will be done with a… Eric, you got the paper from the DFTV executives?"

"Yeah, it says they want us to do a… Hoo, hoo! A lemon writing contest."

And at that point, my heart hit the floor. The execs want us to do WHAT?!

* * *

Okay, time for another Diablo Films history lesson. In the year 2000, 2 Japanese anime's came onto DFTV that would change the network forever: _Cardcaptor Sakura _(as its English dub _Cardcaptors_) and _Tenchi Muyo._ _Tenchi_ was big, but _Cardcaptors_ excited everybody and Sakura Kinomoto (Sakura Avalon in the dub) would soon become Diablo Films' most beloved anime star of all time. Looking for more adventures starring Sakura and her friends, some executives entered the world of internet fanfiction. And it soon turned into a daily search for more stuff to use on their shows.

Then one day, an executive found a fanfiction series which was a parody of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_: "Animeport 9", written by a guy named Peter Suzuki. The good news was that it was so funny and off the wall that the network aired all of its episodes, and it eventually lead to the formation of one of our most popular shows: "Pokémon Science Theater". The bad news was the fanfictions Peter and his partners were MSTing: Lemon fanfiction stories. Now you probably already know what they are: On the internet, lemons are fanfictions with sexual content in them intended for mature audiences. That's mainly because of the sick stuff some of those have, like bondage, BDSM, and even… tentacles.

It didn't take long for the execs to pay more attention to these "lemons". And when Diablo Films started their own "Adult Swim" block of programming (taken from Cartoon Network) in October 2001, they even tried to lampoon some of those sick stories on some of the shows. Most of the actors (and the shows) on the network managed to avoid the threat, but those who did get caught in the race to be "cutting-edge" and "controversial" had their repetitions ruined, like Sasami Jurai, 60% of the cast of _Digimon_, and Sakura's dear friend Tomoyo Daidouji (Madison Taylor in the dub). The biggest mess these "lemons" made on this network involved Molly Hale from _Pokémon 3: The Movie_. She was a HUGE deal in 2001 thanks to the movie and her hit show "Pokémon Antics", and some of the execs drew up a new arc of stories for her called "The Water Princess". The arc would be about a girl who can breathe underwater and have fun in the ocean.

Well, those stories must have been REALLY bad, because they weren't even aired. The executives who wrote the stories were fired, and the stories were tossed in the Atlantic Ocean so that no one will find them (So don't ask them about it, OK?). The sad part is that even though "The Water Princess" never aired, Molly's career was ruined. "Pokémon Antics" never recovered and was gone 2 months after me and Eric debuted Area Man. So hopefully you understand why no one on the network wanted to deal with a "lemon". Thankfully today, "lemons" are nonexistent on the network.

* * *

But let's go back to 2005, where the threat of "lemons" was dying, but still there on the network. After Eric announced the contest, stories started to come in and I opted to sift through them (better me than Eric). And he was fine with that, as he gave me just one rule: "Save any lemons you find about me and Wendy Testaburger". So with that, I went through the stories… and immediately got queasy. One story wanted a bear-like creature called the Manabeast to hump a Wendy cardboard-cutout (I swear, I did not make that one up!). Another wanted Misaki Suzuhara from _Angelic Layer_ to hump Sasami. And there was even one story about Muffy Crosswire, whoever that was (And I could go on and on).

That night, I was at Eric's house with the stories… all 20,000 of them (No, I didn't read them all!). At this point, I had decided to forget the whole contest and go with my original plan for a cast member. Now all I have to do…

"Stan and Wendy… Wendy and Bebe… Stan and Kyle? Ooh, better save that one. Ha ha!"

…is getting Eric on board with it. "Look Eric, I know you've been sifting through these stories for an hour now…"

"And not ONE f—king story about me and Wendy!"

"Yes, yes, I know. But I want to show you something." Then I dug out a letter from one of my pen-pals from my adventures looking for the Crystal Stars. "This letter is from a very talented lady. She can attract any audience member with her looks and her brains. And she's from my game, so people will know who she is."

That last part got his attention, and he started reading.

**Dear Goombella:**

**How are you? I still can't believe you're on a Diablo Films "Adult Swim" show! Congratulations on what you've done on it so far, and I can help your committee if you want me to! Things** **have been quiet in Twilight Town since our adventure, but me and my sisters are doing great. **

"Wait, Twilight Town? What kind of gay-a$$ name is that?!" Eric said with a snicker. He then skipped ahead to the last part of the letter.

**I hope that you can convince that Eric Cartman person to let me visit you on the show. Please respond soon!**

**Sincerely,**

**Vivian**

But before Eric can say one word to me about the letter, a knock on Eric's front door was heard. Then a 5-year-old girl opened the door and entered, and me and Eric knew who she was right away: Milk-Chan. At the time, her cartoon _The Super Milk-Chan Show_ had just premiered on DFTV and had already stuck a chord with the public and the DFTV execs.

"Hello. Is your amazing story contest still on?" And Eric didn't hate Milk yet, so he allowed her to take part. But then she whipped out a videotape. "I made this film all by myself. And its way more creative than what those other fatsos made."

"Uh, wait a minute, Milk-Chan. I think the rules say 'Written stories only'".

"YOU DUMBA$$! I have a right to enter this contest and win money like everyone else!" Okay, this was really Milk-Chan.

Eric already had the tape and was ready to play it. "So, what's in this film that SO much better than the others, little freak?"

"A three-way between Yuki Aoyoma, Hikari Kamiya, and Bebe Stevens" was Milk's response. I had to go outside to get rid of the queasy feeling I got from that. About a minute later, I went back in to see Eric and Milk watching that dreadful three-way and I HAD to make my move to get Vivian on the show. So I dragged Eric into the kitchen.

"Listen Eric, you're not REALLY interested in what Milk brought over, right? Why don't you let me handle the intern hiring? I think Vivian might be the person for you."

"Uhhhhh… Wait, you're right! I don't HAVE to listen to that loud brat! What can this Vivian do?" Yes, I got his attention.

"Well, she's potent with fire attacks and the art of hiding in the shadows. She's part of a trio known as the Shadow Sirens, who also has magical powers on their side."

"Yes, yes? Like what?"

"Well, Vivian is the youngest of the 3, and they're all sisters. Beldam is the oldest and has ice magic, as well as a whole bunch of other spells. The first time I saw her, she struck me as just pure evil; soulless and cruel. The middle sister is Marilyn, and she has lightning magic as well as a big body. She's not that talkative, if I remember her right."

But Eric didn't hear a single word I said about Marilyn. Now all he wanted to know about was Beldam. "So, this Beldam person. How, uh, ruthless can she be?"

"Depends on her mood, I guess. But she's calmed down since I stopped those X-nauts in…" But Eric stopped me with the news I wanted.

"Get me one of those ghosts and get her on the show! That's a direct order, mushroom!"

"HEY! YOU DUMBA$$!" That came from an angry Milk. "I came all this way just to show you my film! Now sit down on the couch, watch it, and SHUT UP!" Eric then came over to rebut her and while he and Milk had an argument, I was writing a response to Vivian… with the internship contract next to it.

**Dear Vivian:**

**Great news! I talked to Eric, and he's Okayed you to come visit me in South Park and be on his show! I told him about your history and your sisters, and he was sold. Just get in to South Park, Colorado, by Saturday because that's when the contest ends.**

**Oh, just remember this when you arrive. Eric Cartman is every bit the strange, racist, bigoted boy he was on TV in real life, so just be mindful of that. Can't wait to see you again!**

**Signed, Goombella (with much love!)**

Then I stuffed the envelope with the letter and the contract, and snapped Eric out of his shouting match. "Eric! I wrote an invitation for the Sirens to be on the show!"

"You hear that, you skinny wop? Now if you want me to watch your low-rent film, sing the 'Mail' song so that I can get some REAL talent on my super-awesome show!" Wait wait, what? The "Mail" song?

"…Fine", said Milk-Chan, and she started singing.

_Here's the mail, it never fails_

_It makes me wanna wag my tail_

_When it comes I wanna wail_

_MAAAAIIILLLLLLLLLL!_

And then out of nowhere, Mailbox from _Blue's Clues_ comes through the window. Oh, NOW I remember what the "Mail" song is!

"Mail's here, mail's there. Got anything for me?"

Alright. Guess I'll leave it up to him. "Yes. This is for a dear friend in Twilight Town, and it's really important." I then put the letter in Mailbox, and he was off.

"Okay, you did your stupid thing. Now watch my damn movie!" screamed Milk.

"AY! Don't get your pantyhose wadded up. First, you must read the intern contract so that a trilobite like you will…" But then he saw that the internship was no longer there. "Mushroom, where's the contract?"

"First off Eric, stop calling me a mushroom. And you said I can handle the hiring, so I mailed the contract out to Twilight Town."

Oh, Eric was not happy. "WHAT?! Why the f—k didn't you say anything? What about my g—damn contest?"

"You said I could bring in a Shadow Siren! And besides Eric, I think what I did is a better way to get an intern than leaving it in the hands of mystery people who may or may not be sick in the head."

"YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!" And then Eric came right at me and WHAM! I was tossed right onto the cabinet.

"Ow! That's it!" And soon me and Eric were having a fight in the kitchen, and Milk was loving every moment of it.

Thankfully, it was stopped when the girl that Eric's been obsessing over walked in. "Eric? Are you really having…? The H-ll?" Yep, it was Wendy Testaburger. "What are you 2 doing?"

That stopped Eric from fighting me. "Uhhhh… you see, me and Goombella were having a… creative discussion."

"You just hit me with a toaster, you idiot!" Yeah, that did happen to me.

Then Wendy came over to me and gave me a little stare. Looks like she's sizing me up. "Goombella, was it? I saw your first romps with the lard-a$$ Eric."

"AY!"

"Really? Thank you." I said. But then Wendy blurted out:

"I just couldn't believe that after all the hype, you would be as desperate for attention as Cartman is."

WHAT?! Desperate for attention? Did you go through what I went through over the last 3 weeks? But then the confrontation was stopped when Wendy realized something. Remember Milk's film about Hikari, Yuki, and Bebe in a three-way? It was still playing.

"Oh my GOD!"

* * *

The next day, Mailbox had arrived at a dark, fall-like, oddly appealing place called Twilight Town. Feeling nervous, he left the letter on a house's doorstep, knocked on the door, and left. And guess whose's house it was? The Shadow Sirens, as Vivian answered the door and opened the letter. "Oooh! It's Goombella. She's answered me back." She read the letter…

…and was delighted. "Yah! Whoopee!"

* * *

As for us in South Park, things had settled down between me and Eric. And as I came into the Area Man studio, I saw Eric talking to Taichi "Tai" Kamiya.

And Tai was not happy. "Did you see what Milk tried to do to my little sister? I can't believe you would let her get a chance at that contract."

But Eric was unfazed. "I know. And that's why if you got a story, you can compete against Milk for a chance to roll with me! Trust me, my committee against Karen has put this show on the map, and it's only gonna get better."

"Hey guys." I said. "Wait, you're still doing the contest, Eric?"

"It's only for 2 more days, mushroom head."

But then Milk-Chan came into the studio as well. "Hey dumba$$es! I introduce to you… this thing!" Then a voice stated singing _Mail Timeee…_, and I knew what it was.

"Good! Mailbox is back!" I said.

"You hear that, boy? Start singing!" Eric said to Tai.

"What? Why? Oh, fine." And Tai started singing.

_Here's the mail, it never fails_

_It makes me wanna wag my tail_

_When it comes I wanna wail_

_MAAAAIIILLLLLLLLLL!_

And then Mailbox sprang in. "Mail's here, mail's in. Big response letter here." So he opened up and I got the letter.

"Thanks."

"You'reee welcomeeee!" and Mailbox left. I knew what it was right off the bat: Vivian's response. But before I opened it, Tai began singing again.

_We just got a letter…_

"SHUT UP!" I screamed at him. Then I read it (with Eric peeping over my shoulder) and got excited: She was coming to South Park, and would be here by tomorrow! And she had signed the contract! "All right. She's on her way here!" Eric wasn't happy with that (no surprise).

"Mumble…mumble…"

"Uh, did you say something, Eric?"

"Why the F—K are you doing this to me? Not only did you throw away MY intern contract, but you're bringing in the wrong Siren!"

"No, Eric. It's OUR intern contract! And Vivian is a friend of mine, so you better be nice to her."

"HEY!" said both Milk and Tai. Turns out that during all this, we've forgotten those 2. Eric took them backstage, and after 10 minutes both Milk and Tai left. And Eric had something in his hand.

"Oh, you got those 2 out of here? What did you do?"

"Only my most clever way to settle a contest ever! Tomorrow, those 2 will duke it out for…" And then he showed me… a new contract?!

"That's right! A chance to be my intern!"

"What?!" I was not thrilled, but I wasn't backing down. "But what about Vivian? She'll want to be on the show, too."

* * *

Oh, and where was Wendy Testaburger during this, you ask? She was at her best friend's Bebe house consoling her after she heard about Milk's story. See, this is why "lemons" are no longer on this network: They CAN hurt innocent people.

* * *

An hour later, Eric conceded that maybe Vivian could get a shot at the show, so he hired Leopold "Butters" Stotch to come get her tomorrow (Vivian said she's coming in by train). And I actually came up with an idea for that showdown between Milk and Tai for the other contract: Put them in a game show! (Yeah, it's weird, but at least we had a plan for them).

The next morning, "Butters" was at the train station. And soon, people started to leave the train… and one of them was a purple being. Vivian had made it!

"Phew… Finally! Now where's this blonde-haired boy Goombella said would be here?"

"Uhhhh… Ex, excuse me." "Butters" had found her, and he was very nervous. "Scary lady, do you know where a Vivian is? My friend E-Eric wants her at his show ASAP."

"Oh… You're Eric's friend? I'm Vivian. Great to see you, now I've had a rough journey, so can you get me to the Area Man set?"

"W-WHAT?! Oh, hamburgers! You're her?!"

"Uh, yes?" said a confused Vivian.

"Then I gotta stop you! Prepare yourself for chaos!", and "Butters" ran off.

"WAIT! I don't know anybody here!" Too late, "Butters" had ditched her. And when he came back in that stupid tin-foil costume…

"I am Professor Chaos! Evil should not triumph as long… Uh oh."

…she had left.

An hour later, I was at Eric's place putting all of the stories away while Eric was outside doing… something. Then we heard…

"Huff… puff. I said I'm sorry, you guys, but it's the truth! It was me or it!"

…a bruised and tired Vivian! But Eric didn't know that at the time. "AY! What're you doing on my lawn? I'm playing snowwwwww-forrrtttt!"

"Sorry, mister. But I… Wait! You're Eric Cartman, right?" And then she hugged Eric hard. "Yes! Oh, I'm so relieved to find you. This town's all crazy. And the person you hired to escort me just ran off and ditched me!"

Eric's only response to Vivian's misery was laughter. But when she saw me…

"Vivian! You made it!"

"Yah! You're here, too!" And we shared a hug. "Good to see you again, Goombella! Oh, it's been too long!"

"Good to see you, too. You excited to help me with Area Man?"

"Yep. I hope it's not as chaotic as it looks."

"Well, you may be out of luck there. So, how did your sisters take the news?"

"Oh, of the internship? Well…" Vivian paused for a moment. "…Uh oh."

"Wait. They don't know you're here?"

"I forgot to tell them! Oh, they'll be so mad at me! What am I gonna do?" After that, I was trying to calm Vivian down, but I didn't see Eric's face. He had stopped laughing, and now had an evil gleam in his eyes.

* * *

We were now inside Eric's room as Vivian saw Eric finalize the contract she brought with her. "I'll sigh here… and here… and if you can just initial here." Once Vivian initialed it, Eric had a look of pride as he held the contract. "There we are. This contract states that as of January 29, 2005, and until the show goes under or a disagreement happens (which I don't think will), you, Miss Vivian, are my personal lapdog on the show."

"And you won't tell my sisters what's happening?"

"Why, Vivian! With this contract, I can't. Not as long as you do EVERYTHING that I said." Eric then let the room because a noise was heard downstairs.

I tried to lift Vivian's spirits. "It's okay. Eric will come around to you. I know how entertaining you really are; just ask the others we traveled with. Just give it time."

"But what about my sisters?"

"Vivian, they've been nicer to you since we stopped the Shadow Queen, haven't they?"

"Yes."

"So it'll be fine! Besides, I'm sure that once they find out what you're doing, they'll want in as well."

"…Thanks, Goombella."

"Now, Butters, did you really leave a poor girl behind?" said a woman's voice. Turns out the noise Eric heard was "Butters" and his parents Steven and Linda.

"Well, she's here, so you can find out." said Eric. "Butters" then looked in Eric's room and saw Vivian.

"Oh, hello there. Sorry, I thought you were a monster."

"A monster?!" Vivian was not happy upon seeing "Butters". "You left me alone at the station. I had to get directions from some truckers, and they attacked me after I told what I did to get the money to get here!"

"Oh, really? What did you do?"

"I had to wrestle bulls in a rodeo to get money! And they really got mad when I said I accidently killed one of the bulls."

"Wh-What?!" I said.

"But it was aiming for my head! It was him or me!" Hearing Vivian's story and getting the stink-eye from his parents was getting to "Butters", and he took off and ran.

"Pssssh… Guys. I think you need this." Eric said to Steven as he gave him a belt. "Butters'" parents were soon after him as me and Vivian just looked at him in shock. "What?"

* * *

Later that night, it was time for the big "game-show" between Milk and Tai on the Area Man stage. And I had a way not just to challenge those 2, but to show my disgust with the "lemon" contest the network roped us into.

"There are only 3 sugars in my cereal instead of the 5 I wanted. Let's do a little better next time, shall we?"

And Eric was already having Vivian do his menial labor. But Vivian didn't seem to mind, because she'll get on the stage soon. Oh, it's time for the game. Milk and Tai are at their podiums, and I come out to host.

"Welcome, folks! Our 2 players Milk and Tai will now play a game inspired by the greatness of _The Price is Right_. You 2 must correctly guess how many sexual situations there are in a montage of internet fanfiction stories. It starts in 10 seconds, so good luck!" I then ran backstage as the montage began. By the way if you're curious, I'll tell you how many internet "lemons" we used for the montage: All of the "lemons" me and Eric could find!

Backstage, I met up with Eric. Now it was time to put my plan into action. "Say Eric, are you really going to have one of those 2 on our show?"

"The more servants working for me, the better!"

"But Vivian can get you more castmates for us. And be honest with me: You don't really want Tai on your show, do you?"

"Uhhh… Hey, hey! That's right! All that boy does is prattle on about Digimon all day."

"And I know you REALLY don't want Milk-Chan on the show. I bet you want to smash that newcomer like a bug."

"YEAH! That little brat's trying to stop me, and I won't have it." Good, Eric's fired up. Time to make my move.

"So how about this? Let's keep Vivian here, screw those 2 over, forget the contest, and move on."

"BRILLIANT! Uh, how do we do that?"

"Well, do you know how many 'situations' there are in the montage?"

"No."

"Does ANYBODY here know how many 'situations' there are?"

"No."

"Then let's just make up a number." That's right; Milk and Tai are going down. Yes, it sounds a little mean, but they'll thank us later. Once the montage ended, both me and Eric came out to hear from those 2.

"All right, folks. A little overkill for you 2, I suppose." I said. "But now it's time for the guessing. Milk, we'll start with you. Your guess?"

"What the f—k was that? You really expect me to understand that stupid montage?"

"Milk, no complaints. It's what the network wanted us to do. Now what's your guess?"

"Uhhhh… 180?" Then a buzz was heard from Eric.

"BZZZZZ! Wrong Milk, you lose! Now GET OUT!"

Of course, Milk wasn't happy. "WHAT? You're only giving us one guess?!"

"Exactly! Now vamoose!" And then Milk tossed her helmet right on Eric's face, prompting Eric to chase her. While that was happening…

"Tai, what's your guess?"

"Wait, you're not giving me a hint?"

"No, now what's your answer?"

"48,000… I don't know."

"BZZZZ! Sorry, you're off by a hundred. Well, that's it, good night folks!"

"Wait, WHAT? Off by a 100? You don't know how many 'situations' there were, do you?" Too late, Tai. Me, Eric, and Vivian had already left.

The next morning back in my dorm room, I received a message from the network. Apparently it was addressed to everyone else on the network too:

**Attention, DFTV employees. Due to the events that happened on last night's ****_Tribute to the Area Man_**** episode, all searches for 'lemons' have been indefinitely suspended. Also, anyone who tries to insert a 'lemon' into any of DFTV's shows without permission in the future could be subject to punishment.**

Yes! The plan worked! Now I don't have to worry about anything like that happening again. And neither would anyone else, because the "lemon" fanfiction would be gone from DFTV by March. And I got one of my good friends onto _Area Man_! So with everything settled, it was time to get back to the business at hand: Stopping or reuniting the Breaking Gang.

* * *

**Phew! It's finally done! Please let me know what you think, and don't worry about the pacing. It'll pick up in the next chapter, so please read and review!**


End file.
